The Happy List

My dear friend Laura has reinstated the happy list...a list of things to be happy about, and it is a very good thing. Sort of like my highlight of the day journal that I have sorely neglected. But the happy list is a collaborative effort, which makes it even more fun. Like Oh yeah...that makes me really happy too!

Lately, I've been learning about being happy, and it's harder than it seems. Or at least I make it hard. For years now my family and I have been in survival-crisis mode, so my problem is that I don't trust happy. I like it. I love it. I adore it...but when it comes in big chunks and abundant blessings all at once it sort of freaks me out. For the last decade it hasn't been that way. I keep expecting the happy rug to be snatched from under me. I'm afraid to trust happy. But I'm learning that happy is okay. I'm learning not to be so afraid. And I'm learning to live happy. I have a great guy (official shout out to Clay), a great family, and a promising new career opportunity. Life is good, and I'm going to soak it in while I can.

January: thoughts

New Year

New Possibilites...lots! I'm excited about what it will bring. So far a lot of hard things have happened. Nationally, we're still reeling from the shooting in Arizona. Personal friends have experienced loss and illness and known much sadness...but then there is art, and coffee, and friends, and weddings that are soon, and babies have been born. And so, I am optimistic. I am happy.

I have a brand new cousin - Rosabella Anne. I just met Jamie's baby, Caraline. And recently saw Laura's baby boy, Carson. You just cannot be sad around babies.

I'm listening to President Obama's speech right now. Quite cynically, especially as he talks about education... It is the same cynicism that accompanies talk of education by any politician...but our country is important. Democracy is about the right to your own opinion, and so I'm creating a great many right now. I am touched by the tribute to U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords. That's something that everyone got right! Maybe the good that will come out of this situation is putting aside pettiness, and just caring about each other and our country.

Christmas time is HERE!

It's the end of the semester. My body is decompressing, and fighting off the colds of 130 students that I was exposed to for the last couple of weeks. They were ALL sick, it seemed. In the last 4 days I have gone to a wedding, a birthday party, an engagement party, a movie, a funeral, and Christmas shopping. I still have yet to see my cousin-in-law in the hospital, and that makes me sad. Life, it seems, is all happening right now, at once, in all of its manifestations, in all of its seasons.

Tomorrow is my birthday, then Christmas eve eve...Then Christmas eve, then CHRISTMAS.

I am actually excited about Christmas this year. It's been a long time since I've been truly excited. When you're in the midst of so many family and personal struggles, it's hard to anticipate Christmas...it just comes, and you have those few moments of happiness for the day and its meaning, but it doesn't hold the same magical appeal. The awe is lost in the struggle and the sadness.

This year there is still A LOT going on. It's almost laughable. It seems unreal-- but somehow, this year, I do not feel so burdened. I am not so oppressed. Perhaps some of this levity has to do with experiencing my first Christmas MIRACLE of the season. (It has to do with the journey to the wedding, and that's all I'll say. I'll save my story for when Eli is there too).

Christmas still is coming WAY too FAST, and NOT FAST enough. My house is an explosion of paper, tape, and other wrapping materials. It's a little bit chaotic, but I cannot wait for the Christmas meal, the Christmas game, the gift exchange, the talent show, the baby shower, and the nursing home.

But most of all, I am excited about acknowledging the birth of Christ. 2000+ years later, he's still such a gift to humanity.

More Thanks

I lost $10 last week. I know it doesn't sound like much, but $10 is $10. I've been praying about it; and today I found it! I'm going to use it to buy the Walmart gift card for the Thanksgiving Dinner box, my 1st period is donating. And so I rejoice!

Thanks-Giving

It is officially fall; and Thanksgiving is just around the bend. As I step on crunchy, fallen leaves, and breathe in the cool crisp air (well...on some days...this is Houston, after all) I begin to ponder what things I am thankful for each and every day, and how I can give. Today, I'm thankful for a quiet Sunday at home, for the season of Pumpkin Spice Lattes, for Christmas that comes after thanksgiving, for great friends and family, and for a joyful and exuberant dog. As for giving, I'm still working on that one; but I'll keep you posted.

Oh unsettled little heart -

It's those tiny stresses that build up and plague you.
It's those small uncertainties that join forces to make an overwhelming, vast unknown that approaches too rapidly.
It's those realizations about yourself that you don't really want to acknowledge.
It's letting go of things that you've clasped so tightly.
It's wondering when to take a stand, and when to put someone's feelings above your own.
It's trying to grasp the meaning of things.
It's discerning those true and noble hearts.
It's yearning for change but not knowing what that needs to look like.
It's wondering if things are as they seem.
It's trying to fill those voids that are still so deeply void.
It's remembering a thousand tiny details...
And -
It's exhausted!

Goodbye September?

How did it happen? How is it that the first 6 weeks of school has nearly come to an end? How is it that fall is upon us with it's brisk, crisp air? How is it that the glorious summer is really really really over? I've spent the last 6 weeks excited about change and mourning summer. It's all so hard to grasp. I know much is required of me. Lots to do! But it will get done, and again I'll marvel at how it all happened!