Christmas time is HERE!

It's the end of the semester. My body is decompressing, and fighting off the colds of 130 students that I was exposed to for the last couple of weeks. They were ALL sick, it seemed. In the last 4 days I have gone to a wedding, a birthday party, an engagement party, a movie, a funeral, and Christmas shopping. I still have yet to see my cousin-in-law in the hospital, and that makes me sad. Life, it seems, is all happening right now, at once, in all of its manifestations, in all of its seasons.

Tomorrow is my birthday, then Christmas eve eve...Then Christmas eve, then CHRISTMAS.

I am actually excited about Christmas this year. It's been a long time since I've been truly excited. When you're in the midst of so many family and personal struggles, it's hard to anticipate Christmas...it just comes, and you have those few moments of happiness for the day and its meaning, but it doesn't hold the same magical appeal. The awe is lost in the struggle and the sadness.

This year there is still A LOT going on. It's almost laughable. It seems unreal-- but somehow, this year, I do not feel so burdened. I am not so oppressed. Perhaps some of this levity has to do with experiencing my first Christmas MIRACLE of the season. (It has to do with the journey to the wedding, and that's all I'll say. I'll save my story for when Eli is there too).

Christmas still is coming WAY too FAST, and NOT FAST enough. My house is an explosion of paper, tape, and other wrapping materials. It's a little bit chaotic, but I cannot wait for the Christmas meal, the Christmas game, the gift exchange, the talent show, the baby shower, and the nursing home.

But most of all, I am excited about acknowledging the birth of Christ. 2000+ years later, he's still such a gift to humanity.

More Thanks

I lost $10 last week. I know it doesn't sound like much, but $10 is $10. I've been praying about it; and today I found it! I'm going to use it to buy the Walmart gift card for the Thanksgiving Dinner box, my 1st period is donating. And so I rejoice!

Thanks-Giving

It is officially fall; and Thanksgiving is just around the bend. As I step on crunchy, fallen leaves, and breathe in the cool crisp air (well...on some days...this is Houston, after all) I begin to ponder what things I am thankful for each and every day, and how I can give. Today, I'm thankful for a quiet Sunday at home, for the season of Pumpkin Spice Lattes, for Christmas that comes after thanksgiving, for great friends and family, and for a joyful and exuberant dog. As for giving, I'm still working on that one; but I'll keep you posted.

Oh unsettled little heart -

It's those tiny stresses that build up and plague you.
It's those small uncertainties that join forces to make an overwhelming, vast unknown that approaches too rapidly.
It's those realizations about yourself that you don't really want to acknowledge.
It's letting go of things that you've clasped so tightly.
It's wondering when to take a stand, and when to put someone's feelings above your own.
It's trying to grasp the meaning of things.
It's discerning those true and noble hearts.
It's yearning for change but not knowing what that needs to look like.
It's wondering if things are as they seem.
It's trying to fill those voids that are still so deeply void.
It's remembering a thousand tiny details...
And -
It's exhausted!

Goodbye September?

How did it happen? How is it that the first 6 weeks of school has nearly come to an end? How is it that fall is upon us with it's brisk, crisp air? How is it that the glorious summer is really really really over? I've spent the last 6 weeks excited about change and mourning summer. It's all so hard to grasp. I know much is required of me. Lots to do! But it will get done, and again I'll marvel at how it all happened!

Thoughts on Thoughts, Realities, and Projections

Everyone has some sort of thoughts on what is, what should be, and what is to come. I think a major conflict occurs when what we want to happen isn't the reality or course we see before us. So that leaves us with some options: 1) Try to force things 2) Be delusional 3) A strange combination of forcing/delusion and 4) Accepting realities as they are. We try so hard to be the master of our destinies, to prepare ourselves for what's coming, trying to read peoples' minds, and playing the what if/if only game. It's all a waste of time. We'd be so much happier if we just accepted the realities.

I'm not saying that you should not strive for goals or dreams. I'm not saying that you should not fight for what's important. I'm not saying you should leave your passions by the wayside and accept the mundane and the mediocre. But sometimes the realities we strive against are so much sweeter than what we obsessively toil over. So what if you didn't get 20 responses to your last fb post? So what if your crush likes someone else? So what if you don't know what's coming next?

But what are your blessings? Who are the people the people that show you they love you each and every day? What was that thing that made you laugh so hard you almost peed in your pants? What about your dog wagging his tail just because he sees you? What about that meal that was to die for? Often we're so focused on silly little pieces of affirmation or control that we miss some beautiful things.

And sometimes those things that we think we want are not nearly as great as what God has in store for us.

Just some thoughts...I have to remind myself of these things too!

More pathetic fallacy fun!!! LOVE IT!!!

Just say those two little words "Pathetic Fallacy" and I'll know we're kindred spirits

Pathetic Fallacy is my favorite literary device. It's romantic. The universe echoes the wrenching emotions of the heart - if you're in love, lively, and the world is yours; then the universe rewards you with chipper birds, flowers, and spring like weather. If you are in the depths of despair (as Anne Shirley would say), then flowers die; the clouds hang low and heavy in the sky; and a steady weeping rain begins. It's pure catharsis.

Pathetic fallacy also gives everything a voice. A paper cut can shriek out in pain. A piece of paper can be abandoned on the floor. A sunflower can smile warmly at the sun. It's just beautiful.

Life doesn't really work that way though. Some of the most beautiful days were right after Shana died. It seemed mocking and cruel. Elisa said if it were literature, the thematic element we would discuss would be nature's indifference to man. And she could not have been more right.

A friend of mine recently experienced a topsy turvy life experience of her own. The weather was not cooperation, and so we created artificial catharsis - chocolate cupcakes, cheese enchiladas, chips...all those wonderful and extremely sympathetic "c" foods; comfort foods. And though it is ill-advised to eat your feelings on a regular basis - I think it helps just to get through the shock - to indulge in the goodness of life.

Over all of the "c" foods we also had some good conversations. About life, love, boundaries, letting go... It made me consider what ghosts of my past that I've been unable to turn loose. And so I leave refreshed with resolves to leave my ghosts where they belong, to move forward, to let go of the fears that might hinder me, and to move on - ready for what lies ahead. Maybe I was supposed to be helping her, but she may have helped me more. So thank you friend, thank you catharsis, and thank you comfort foods!

12 more days...

So little time left of this school year, yet so much to do, and so many decisions. I'm excited and exhausted. I think I need a constant iv drip of caffeine to keep me going, but I'll find healthier ways of coping.

Spring Fever!

It's hard to be a perfectionistic workaholic when it's so beautiful outside. And perhaps this is a VERY GOOD thing. It's easy to get caught up in the to dos and worries of life...to the point that you forget to enjoy it. My problem is that I often feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive. If I read a book for the sake of building curriculum - fine. If I read a book for my own personal enjoyment, take a walk, or go out and actually do something fun....I feel like I'm slacking on responsibility. I should be grocery shopping, doing laundry, writing a best-selling novel, making lesson plans. Of course I justify in some strange way watching mindless tv or being on facebook for hours on end. These are my ways of quiet rebellion, but perhaps it's because I can also do other things while I do these. I can do laundry and watch tv. I can research lesson plans or work on powerpoints for school while I take intermitent facebook breaks...but to completely let go and enjoy something that's not for anyone else's benefit but my own - that does not come naturally to me. Of course it's a balance. You can't just do what you want all the time...but I think I need to make fun more of a priority in my life.