Thoughts on Thoughts, Realities, and Projections

Everyone has some sort of thoughts on what is, what should be, and what is to come. I think a major conflict occurs when what we want to happen isn't the reality or course we see before us. So that leaves us with some options: 1) Try to force things 2) Be delusional 3) A strange combination of forcing/delusion and 4) Accepting realities as they are. We try so hard to be the master of our destinies, to prepare ourselves for what's coming, trying to read peoples' minds, and playing the what if/if only game. It's all a waste of time. We'd be so much happier if we just accepted the realities.

I'm not saying that you should not strive for goals or dreams. I'm not saying that you should not fight for what's important. I'm not saying you should leave your passions by the wayside and accept the mundane and the mediocre. But sometimes the realities we strive against are so much sweeter than what we obsessively toil over. So what if you didn't get 20 responses to your last fb post? So what if your crush likes someone else? So what if you don't know what's coming next?

But what are your blessings? Who are the people the people that show you they love you each and every day? What was that thing that made you laugh so hard you almost peed in your pants? What about your dog wagging his tail just because he sees you? What about that meal that was to die for? Often we're so focused on silly little pieces of affirmation or control that we miss some beautiful things.

And sometimes those things that we think we want are not nearly as great as what God has in store for us.

Just some thoughts...I have to remind myself of these things too!

More pathetic fallacy fun!!! LOVE IT!!!

Just say those two little words "Pathetic Fallacy" and I'll know we're kindred spirits

Pathetic Fallacy is my favorite literary device. It's romantic. The universe echoes the wrenching emotions of the heart - if you're in love, lively, and the world is yours; then the universe rewards you with chipper birds, flowers, and spring like weather. If you are in the depths of despair (as Anne Shirley would say), then flowers die; the clouds hang low and heavy in the sky; and a steady weeping rain begins. It's pure catharsis.

Pathetic fallacy also gives everything a voice. A paper cut can shriek out in pain. A piece of paper can be abandoned on the floor. A sunflower can smile warmly at the sun. It's just beautiful.

Life doesn't really work that way though. Some of the most beautiful days were right after Shana died. It seemed mocking and cruel. Elisa said if it were literature, the thematic element we would discuss would be nature's indifference to man. And she could not have been more right.

A friend of mine recently experienced a topsy turvy life experience of her own. The weather was not cooperation, and so we created artificial catharsis - chocolate cupcakes, cheese enchiladas, chips...all those wonderful and extremely sympathetic "c" foods; comfort foods. And though it is ill-advised to eat your feelings on a regular basis - I think it helps just to get through the shock - to indulge in the goodness of life.

Over all of the "c" foods we also had some good conversations. About life, love, boundaries, letting go... It made me consider what ghosts of my past that I've been unable to turn loose. And so I leave refreshed with resolves to leave my ghosts where they belong, to move forward, to let go of the fears that might hinder me, and to move on - ready for what lies ahead. Maybe I was supposed to be helping her, but she may have helped me more. So thank you friend, thank you catharsis, and thank you comfort foods!

12 more days...

So little time left of this school year, yet so much to do, and so many decisions. I'm excited and exhausted. I think I need a constant iv drip of caffeine to keep me going, but I'll find healthier ways of coping.

Spring Fever!

It's hard to be a perfectionistic workaholic when it's so beautiful outside. And perhaps this is a VERY GOOD thing. It's easy to get caught up in the to dos and worries of life...to the point that you forget to enjoy it. My problem is that I often feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive. If I read a book for the sake of building curriculum - fine. If I read a book for my own personal enjoyment, take a walk, or go out and actually do something fun....I feel like I'm slacking on responsibility. I should be grocery shopping, doing laundry, writing a best-selling novel, making lesson plans. Of course I justify in some strange way watching mindless tv or being on facebook for hours on end. These are my ways of quiet rebellion, but perhaps it's because I can also do other things while I do these. I can do laundry and watch tv. I can research lesson plans or work on powerpoints for school while I take intermitent facebook breaks...but to completely let go and enjoy something that's not for anyone else's benefit but my own - that does not come naturally to me. Of course it's a balance. You can't just do what you want all the time...but I think I need to make fun more of a priority in my life.

Jumbled

It's hard to comprehend all that has transpired in the last month, and all that is to come. I'm thankful for a Saturday to sit and let the jumble of thoughts and feelings work themselves out into something that is cohesive, and sensical.

The only thing constant in the world is change!

It's been quite some time since my last post. I keep telling myself, Oh I'll write about this or that...but then I come home, eat, collapse on the couch, and become a potato. Part of it is just the exhaustion of change. In the last month, I've changed jobs - suddenly, abruptly, and wonderfully. It's almost too much to get my head around sometimes, but it's real; it's true; and I'm learning and re-learning some things. The next big change that's coming full speed ahead is: Another move!!! I'm ready for it, I'm praying for timing, and for the transition. God is faithful though. That much I know for sure.